Paxety Pages

Christian Militia Kidnaps Islamic Man

News Flash! Phenix City, Alabama . . .

According to authorities in Phenix City, Alabama, a militia group identifying itself as the Christian Retribution Organization of the World (CROW) announced that they had kidnapped a Muslim individual off the streets of Phenix City and were holding him in an undisclosed location pending his forced conversion to Christianity. According to CROW’s demands, they wanted all Muslims living in Alabama to profess their loyalty to America by eating pork, and to demonstrate their allegiance to Western Christian culture by singing a chorus of "Onward Christian Soldiers."

A note delivered to the WXYA TV news department last week announced the existence of CROW, that one Muslim had already been captured for conversion, and that one Muslim a week would be taken hereafter until their demands were met. At first this initial communication from CROW was thought to be a hoax since no Muslim person in the area had been reported missing, and was ignored. However, after a local Muslim businessman, Shing Patell, was abducted by two men in a pickup truck in front of his business establishment this week, and a second communication in the form of a video tape was delivered to WXYA, local authorities took the earlier allegation seriously.

Last week Jose Patuko, formerly of Tijuana, Mexico, was involved in an incident that authorities first characterized as merely strange. Mr. Patuko, who works at Wellstone Industries, a local chicken-processing facility outside of Phenix City, was reportedly abducted and held for several days last week, only to show up unharmed, but dazed and confused, last Friday morning outside the processing plant. Ernest Washington, manager of the plant where Mr. Patuko, works, explained that his employee, who is very dark complected and wears a full beard, had recently been in a auto accident. As a result, his head had been wrapped in bandages, possibly leading his captors to conclude that he might be a person of middle Eastern origin.

As to why Mr. Patuko was held for so many days after the error over his ethnic origin should have been uncovered, Mr. Washington offered his opinion to the sheriff's department that he thought it was "One, Mr. Patuko doesn't speak much English, and, two, because he is greatly challenged by a rather severe speech impediment. Therefore," Washington concluded, "he might experience a bit of difficulty in communicating to his capturers that he is not Islamic. But," Washington, added, " in spite of that, Mr. Patuko is one great chicken plucker, fully documented in accordance with federal and state law, and all of us at Wellstone Processing wish him a speedy recovery."

When questioned about the incident by the sheriff’s department, Mr. Patuko responded through a speech-therapist/translator, saying, "Si. These men made me eat and sing," thus confirming that he was CROW's first victim.

A spokesperson for Phenix City Emergency Services, where Mr. Patuko was taken for observation, said that Mr. Patuko appears to be suffering from the effects of over consumption of food, and that he is expected to make a speedy recovery.

After CROW's demand letter was sent to the FBI lab in Birmingham for analysis of what appeared to be dried blood on the paper (which was eventually identified by the FBI lab as barbeque sauce), FBI profiler Wade Tompkins examined the document to discern if a code was evident in the text. After a close examination of the document, Agent Tompkins concluded that what at first appeared to be code words were simply grammatical errors committed by someone with a low regard for literacy. "My wife teaches third grade," Tompkins explained, "and in occasionally helping her grade papers, I'd seen these same kind of mistakes before."

Shortly after Mr. Patuko's release, a Mr. Shing Patell, manager of a local convenience store, was abducted and a second communication from CROW, a video tape, was mailed to WXYA TV. The tape shows two individuals wearing Colonel Sanders Halloween masks and another individual, identified as Mr. Patell, who is sitting before a large barbequed pig while the masked figures sing hymns in the background. Law enforcement authorities' assiduous viewing of the video in an effort to glean clues about the identity of CROW's members paid off. According to the sheriff’s department, they are now seeking to question two ‘persons of interest,’ brothers Randy and Otis Watson, former owners of Watson's BBQ Emporium, a once popular eating establishment that has recently taken a severe economic downturn. After viewing the video, Sheriff Ellison Tyson said, "Heck, it show looks like Randy and Otis are behind this. There's not too many people locally who have a tattoo of an Eagle riding a Harley, with the motto "flying high" above it and the name Otis beneath. I don't think all them boys' bricks got stacked straight. But they did make a hell of a barbeque at one time."

Though it was first conjectured that the motivation for CROW's actions was retribution for the recent kidnapping and forced conversion to Islam of two FOX news employees, authorities now suspect baser motives. Their business took a radical downturn after Henson's tire plant, sited directly across the road from Watson's BBQ, closed after some thirty years. According to Cloriss Watson, sister to the Watson brothers, the business struggled for a year after the tire plant closed. Then, when they heard the old plant had been purchased, they experienced renewed hope. However, the new plant turned out to be a clothing manufacturer which employed lots of recent immigrants to the area who apparently do not include pork products as a part of their daily diet. The brothers were reportedly bitter about the drop in their business and blamed Muslims.

In an interview with WXYA last May when Watson's BBQ Emporium closed its doors, Otis Watson said, "Colored folks love barbeque; white folks love barbeque; and Mexicans love barbeque . . . I mean, man, they really love it. But these Muslamic foreigners, shit . . . .they ain't even Christian. Not only won't go to our churches, they won't eat our food. It just ain't right!"

Late breaking development . . . . .

Though local Muslim businessman Shing Patell was released unharmed by the radical group calling itself CROW this morning, the Phenix City Sheriff's department has yet to make an arrest in the case. Patell refused to press charges, saying instead that he has issued a fatwa against his captors. CROW's first victim, Mr. Jose Patuko, apparently experiencing apprehension about future difficulties with the INS, has reportedly left the area. Along with Patell’s release was another communication from CROW in which they modified their previous demands. Though no charges are currently pending against them, the two subjects in the video are still in disguise, and are here identified as Colonel Sanders one and Colonel Sanders Two. Their new communication stated:

Colonel One: Given that these Islamic fellows is as stubborn as a blind mule, and in an effort to find a more peaceful way to bridge the cultural chasm that exists between us and all these new foreigners in the area, we have decided to open a new culturally diverse restaurant in hopes of extending American culture to our new arrivals.

Colonel Two: Yes. At 1925 Old Oconee Highway, right across from the clothing plant, in the old Watson’s Barbeque building. There will be something for everyone. Think of us as a United Nations of good flavor!

Colonel One: That’s right. From now on we will make our catering available to Mosques and are willing to even offer beef barbeque instead of pork!

Colonel Two: Uh, and barbequed chicken for Hindus. They don't eat no cows.

Colonel One: Right you are. And our new Watson’s patented Curry-que sauce will keep Krishna busy eating will all four hands. And we will offer volume discounts on Ramadan. And instead of having to sing "Onward Christian Soldiers" when you come in, which we have learned from watching the cable TV news is like, culturally insensitive, they can sing a chorus of "Jesus Is Just All right" by the Doobie Brothers. Hell, what more can anyone ask for than that? That’s fair ain’t it?

Colonel Two: That’s a square deal if I even heard one.

Colonel One: Oh, we will also now offer free pie and coffee to local law enforcement officers.

Colonel Two: And a fifty-percent discount for all members of the Phoenix City Sheriff’s Department."