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Mahone Predicts 2007
Saturday, December 30, 2006 By: Mahone Dunbar
Predictions for the coming year
Due to the recent failure of his psychic predictions, Mahone retired from the psychic prediction business. His predictions were skewed when he misread the vibes from the ethers – believed to be due to interference produced by a jealous Uri Geller – and produced two glaringly inaccurate predictions: The first was a major Republican victory at the polls. Say no more. The other misread of vibes was Katrina; Mahone predicted to one and all that the musical group Katrina And The Waves ("Walking On Sunshine") would make a major musical comeback after a concert at the New Orleans Superdome, which would not only shake the Superdome to pieces, but drown the Big Easy in a sea of feel-good rock and roll.
However, after his crystal ball failed to make minimum bid on Ebay, Mahone dusted it off, and now uses it once again to peer into the murky confines of the future, where it is said that major events sometimes cast shadows of themselves backwards into the past.
Thanks to the intercession of Oprah – who takes the torch from the failed Barbara Walters – Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell (no relation) make up at the first of the year. The two become best buds and inseparable companions at swank affairs around the celeb scene. In an effort to help boost his new best-friend’s career , The Donald even squires her to parties, where he encourages her to exit their limo Britney Spears style (sans panties), giving stunned paparazzi an unexpected lensful. Capitalizing on this new found bonhomie, the Donald will also finance a remake of the animated hit "Charlotte’s Web," featuring a bit of sexual role reversal – with himself as the voice of Charlotte, the spider, and Rosie (in what unkind critics refer to as typecasting) as Wilbur, the pig.
To the shock of all, former high-end legal-axe, North Carolina Senator, and failed vice presidential candidate, John Edwards, will withdraw from the presidential race to pursue the mother-of-all lawsuits. Edwards, who specialized in medical-malpractice trials, will lead a class-action lawsuit against the federal government. This suit, a palimony case, will be on behalf of unmarried mothers everywhere. Edwards lawsuit will be based on the principle that the federal government is the de facto "husband/head-of-household" for all unmarried women who receive benefits from the federal coffers. "Therefore," Edwards will maintain, "Uncle Sam is the deadbeat dad of all time." He will also go on to explain that, "The benefits my clients receive from the government, in the form of welfare payments, housing subsidies, child-care credits, earned income tax credits, pre-natal care and so on, are paltry. Just look at what the federal government brings in per annum! These women deserve their just cut. I intend to see that Uncle Sam pays up . . . or goes to jail."
Worried that the communist/socialist workers’ paradise he has created will not survive his death, Cuban dictator-for-life Fidel Castro, invites former United States President Jimmy Carter to take over the reins of the Cuban government; however, after Fidel's death, free elections – overseen by Raul Castro – lead to a sweeping victory (99% of the vote) for Raul; subsequently, after Carter tries to remain in the limelight by instigating a free home-building project for Cuban poor, with the support of the US through the donation of building supplies, Raul throws Carter in jail for conducting illegal negotiations with a foreign power. In a further note, after Carter's wife, Rosalynn, pleas to President Bush to intervene on Jimmy's behalf, Bush refuses, causing his popularity to surge to an all-time high.
Early in the year, it will be discovered that Saddam Hussein was not hanged in late December of 2006, but, with the help of fellow reptilian shape-shifter and Skull and Cross Bones member, George W. Bush, was replaced in the hanging by a body double while he escaped to Syria. However, events take a down turn for Saddam again when his survival is uncovered by a reporter from FOX news, forcing the Syrians to send him back to Iraq where he is once again placed in prison to await hanging. Then, in late April, an apparently sincere Saddam Hussein, in what skeptics will consider to be a jail-house conversion, proclaims his conversion to Judaism. Claiming repentance, the convicted dictator will then appeal to Israel to send the Mossaud to free him and re-patriate him to Israel. In response, the government of Israel will donate a rope – braided from the hair of Jewish victims of Auschwitz – to the government of Iraq.
Rosie O'Donnell's career takes another unexpected twist in the Fall, after she and The Donald fall out again as each blames the other after their movie, Charlotte's Web, lays an egg at the summer box office. But rumors linking Rosie to Ms. Nevada are the element that finally rends the friendship apart. Fortunately, Rosie bounces back with a new career as a poetess after her book, "Rosie Does Rhymes," is featured on Oprah as the pick of the week. Rosie’s serious and introspective poetry – done in her signature no-caps style with innovative spellings, and simple rhymes that even an autistic child can understand – strikes a chord with lonely man-hating women everywhere, leading to her being referred to as the e.e. cummings of overweight looks-challenged lesbians. Here is a sample of her best, called "no bananas:"
a fat girl, no fun
but abundant buns
a ton of fun,
but not a man . . .
not her plan
a face only frankenstein could love
that’s not all
big mouth, yes
her best guess
there's carpet to munch,
just a bunch
hopefully a bunch
. . . . but no bananas
. . . I don't do no bananas