Paxety Pages

Paxety Press: Lebanon

As members of Hezbollah were demonstrating their new personal body armor before an assemblage of reporters this week, a man wearing Scottish attire, armed with a broad sword, and carrying a bottle of Dewar's Scotch, interrupted the proceedings. Brandishing the sword above his head, occasionally swigging from the bottle, the man–later identified as Hollywood actor/director Mel Gibson–repeatedly and loudly screamed "Death to the Zionist pigs!"

Even the Hezbollah representatives seemed taken aback by the man’s anti-semantic vehemence.

After Gibson was sedated by authorities and taken away - amid shouted threats that he would fix everyone there - Hezbollah spokesman Mohammed Pakti continued the demonstration, explaining that the concept for Hezbollah's new personal body armor was developed with the same principles in mind that they use to protect their field batteries and barracks.

"This concept has been working so well," Pakti explained, "that we decided to create a light weight, mobile version of it for our troops.

Pakti was asked if he thought this was the most effective mode of protection for Hezbollah soldiers. "We considered several designs of body armor, but this one won out, hands down. It's simple to operate; you put on the harness, then stick the baby in. As I said, it is light weight and can be easily carried in the field. There are some drawbacks - at times they can be a bit noisy, and sometimes there is bit of an unpleasant smell. However," he held up a pacifier, "each unit comes with one of these noise-reduction elements . . . and a box of pampers."

After first affirming that there were no Israelis among the media assemblage, Pakti demonstrated the armor by passing a loaded rifle around to members of the press and inviting them to shoot the Hezbollah soldiers point blank in the chest. Pakti smiled as each of the reporters, in turn, declined the offer. "See," Pakti said, "So, as long as our soldiers are behind one of these, they are safe. "

When our Paxety correspondent asked what the deciding factor was for choosing the new body armor, Pakti explained, "Simple: economic reality. We got a great deal on some used baby carriers on Ebay."