Paxety Pages

Buy Baby Buy

In 2005, Fredrika Newton, widow of famed militant Black Panther leader, Huey Newton, announced the creation of Burn Baby Burn, an innovative new barbeque sauce. The spicy sauce, which was created in conjunction with original Black Panther David Hilliard and musician Al Green, will commemorate black history by including a tag on each bottle which denotes a milestone in Black American history. The phrase "burn baby burn" is associated with the Watts riots of 1966, a banner moment in black American history in which 30 people died, over a thousand were injured, and millions of dollars of property damage was incurred from fire.

In 2006, Burn Baby Burn BBQ sauce will prove so successful that it will create a trend as other companies rush to jump on the bandwagon by affiliating their products with urban phrases. 2006 will see the introduction of Kill Whitey laundry bleach, Power to the Peanut crunchy peanut butter (also available in No Justice No Peanuts creamy peanut butter), Right-on roll on underarm deodorant, the See-wut-I'm-sayin voice activated recorder, and Wuz-up? natural male enhancement products. And for the many Afro-American TV fans with oversized derrieres, the If It Don't Fit, You Can Still Sit, reclining chair will offer a nice alternative to standard constrictive recliners. Finally, not to be outdone by the more militant faction of the black power movement of the sixties, and wanting a cut of the action, Dexter King, son of Martin Luther King, Jr., will announce that the King Center is endorsing a new anti-insomnia remedy called the I'll have a dream sleeping pill.

 

New Heights In Hollywood
Love is a bottle of horse lineament

Warning: spoilers

It is said that new ideas in Hollywood develop according to the following life plan: Innovation, convention, cliché. A thing is first a novelty, perhaps shocking or exciting; then it is copied to the extent that it becomes expected; finally, in it’s terminal stage, it is so overused it becomes boring. Thus it went for director Ang Lee’s 2005 opus, Brokeback Mountain; whose plot centered around a romantic/homosexual relationship between two cowboy sheep herders. Shortly after Mountain’s release there was a surfeit of cowboys trading spit with each other on the big screen. The public quickly got over the shock, and boredom set in.

That is, until director/star/writer George Clooney comes along with Busted Butt Plateau, a ground-breaker in Hollywood trends if there ever was one. Busted Butt Plateau promises to re-energize the genre of gay cowboy movies. The film centers around the relationship between two gay-cowboy pig farmers, Tad and Biff (played respectively by real life lovers Ben Affleck and Matt Damon), and Joe Clemmons, the older gay transvestite cowboy who employs them, played by director/writer George Clooney, and a horse. But not just any horse. In this case the roll of the horse, king, is played by Trigger the 12^th, a direct descendent of the original Trigger owned by Roy Rogers.

The movie’s theme of bestiality as a legitimate choice is epitomized by the relationship that develops between Biff (Matt Damon) and King (Trigger the 12^th).

The devil in this homosexual cowboy pig-farmer paradise is the oil barren rancher next door, George W. Bosh (played by a steely-eyed and very believable Aleck Baldwin), who drives a super-sized gas-guzzling SUV and is seeking to use his power as chairman of the local Republican party to persuade local government to legislate stiffer penalties against man/animal relationships. It becomes clear from the outset that has Mr. Bosh has his own repressed and frustrated relationship with his Dog, Ladd.

The pivotal point in the film occurs when the lover’s triangle gets exposed. One night Tad gets suspicious when he finds Biff gone from their bed–apparently for another mysterious late-night session of rubbing King down with horse lineament. Tad goes quietly to the barn, hears odd noises coming from King’s stall, and looks in to find Biff in a comprising position with King.

"A horse!" a shocked Tad exclaims to his younger lover.

"There’s no man who’s man enough for me," Biff coldly replies, tenderly embracing his lover’s hoof.

However, born and raised in Arkansas, Tad is a free-thinker, not a stuffy republican type, and does not suffer from the odious conservative strictures that shackle many in the southwest, where the film is set. Hence, once Biff understands that King is indeed more of a man than most men, and has unique contributions to make in the arena of love, the relationship quickly develops into a menage a trois.

The on-screen chemistry between Biff (Damon) and King (Trigger 12) sets the screen on fire.

Ever the innovative film maker, director Clooney does give one nod to Brokeback Mountain, acknowledging the film’s importance as a Hollywood genre breaker. This occurs, ironically, when Tad and Biff are leaving a showing of Brokeback Mountain at the local cinema. In a bit of foreboding, as they are discussing the movie and how the cowboys turned to each other for physical comfort, Biff turns to Tad and says, "What I can't really understand is, What was wrong with the sheep?"

Alas, the story ends in tragedy. Audiences will experience a deep sense of pathos when Joe Clemmons–who was less than supportive of King’s relationship with Biff-- has to put King down after he strays onto Mr. Bosh’s property and breaks a leg stepping into one of the many pilot holes Bosh has drilled looking for new oil wells.

Afterwards, when Tad and Biff are burying King and Joe (Clooney) shows up in a mourning dress to deliver the eulogy, there’s not a dry eye in the house.

After seeing Busted Butt Plateau, no one will ever look at animals quite the same way again. In fact, Trigger the Twelfth will be nominated for a special Academy Award for his realistic portrayal as the first gay horse in cinema.

 

 

Bye Dictator Bye
Castro Goes On Tilt

In 2006, senility will finally catch up with Fidel Castro, causing the aging Cuban dictator to experience a serious breach with reality. This becomes a problem for the beleaguered Cuban people when El Dictator demands that the island nation abandon all other agricultural projects and utilize all arable land for the production of sunflowers. The sunflowers, he explains, are to be employed in the production of sunflower wine. He also announces plans to start a state militia by arming the populace with ice picks and pink armbands that proclaim, Viva Fidel. Worried that stress has driven their beloved dictator over the edge, Castro’s aides decide he needs to relax more. Knowing of his fondness for American movies, they get him a gift subscription to Netflix. At first things seem to be go better, then, after Castro watches D.W. Griffith’s Birth Of A Nation, he starts wearing a Ku Klux Klan costume while wandering about the streets of Havana haranguing Cubans of darker hue.

After being contacted by Castro's staff and informed of the problem, UN President Kofi Annan becomes deeply concerned for his favorite dictator and decides to personally intervene. He calls Fidel, and Fidel promptly invites him to fly down for dinner. Kofi agrees. Unfortunately for the UN President, he is unaware that Fidel has just spent the last forty-eight hours watching the Hannibal Lecter movies over and over. When Annan arrives he finds the dictator mimicking Anthony Hopkins' accent and acting oddly. Before the evening is over, and to his further dismay, Annan finds that Fidel is emulating Hannibal The Cannibal's gustatory habits as well; Fidel promptly kills Annan and dines on his fresh brains.

When the Bearded One invites UN President Kofi Anon for dinner, the unfortunate UN leader misunderstands.

Then, in one of history's greater ironies, later the same day as he steps into the streets to enjoy an after dinner sugar-cane cigar, Castro is attacked and killed Caesar-style by dozens of ice pick wielding members of the newly formed Cuban militia - who are all drunk on sunflower wine.