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PPI–Mahone Dunbar

Seeking to extend her fifteen minutes of fame and continue her quest to free Louisiana from the tyrannical occupation by George Bush’s army, Cindy Sheehan jumped bail in Washington, D. C. and fled to the Gulf Coast. Ms. Sheehan was arrested recently by U.S. Park Police, who charged her with demonstrating without a permit, a misdemeanor.

 After her release from jail, reports said that Ms. Sheehan immediately went to Louisiana, dived into the surf, swam out a few hundred yards, then began swimming in circles while making clacking and squeaking sounds; soon, like a miracle, she was surrounded by a cadre of 36 dolphins who groked her at once. But these where not just any dolphins.

According to potentially reliable sources, these 36 dolphins were part of the United States Navy's cetacean training exercise program and were swept out to sea when their costal compound was breached during hurricane Katrina. The US navy has admitted to training the dolphins, but denies that they are missing. The bottlenose dolphins, who have been taught to shoot terrorists attacking naval vessels, are armed with ‘toxic dart’ guns, putting divers and surfers at risk. An official high up in Naval administration, who wished to remain anonymous, said, "My God! This is the worst case scenario; with Ms. Sheehan in charge of the dolphins the sea lanes in the Gulf Of Mexico are not safe for surfers, terrorists, or small children floating around out there!"

Ms. Sheehan, honorary president of the organization known as Famous Grieving Mothers And Widows, Inc., founded by Coretta Scott King, was briefly interviewed by this reporter, who used a boat to approach her and her salt-water army.

When I asked Ms. Sheehan - who promptly informed me that she now wanted to be referred to as ‘The Che Guevara of the high seas" -  if her sea crusade indicated a change of focus away from George Bush and other war-mongers, she said, "There’s no change of focus. My new friends don't like him either; you know how much fish George Bush eats?"

As far as her immediate plans, Ms. Sheehan indicated that she and her salt-water guerillas’ first area of business to was settle some personal grudges; hence, they were headed to Sea World. When I asked her if she thought she was easily influenced by others, she said, "No way, Jose." This in spite of the rumor that moveon.org is funding her crusade on the sea lanes as a bit of positive PR. When asked to comment on whether or not this was true, a spokesperson for moveon.org said: " There are several billion disenfranchised sea creatures out there - each one homeless, jobless, hungry, and as yet unregistered to vote. These are potential Democrat voters. So what do you think?"

When I inquired of Cindy, once again, whether or not this was all her idea, she said, " Sure. Besides, I like these fish. These fish is shiny and pretty. And they understand me. Eeeeeekkkah. Click, click click. See."

When I informed her that dolphins were actually mammals, Ms. Sheehan replied, "Who?"